20 Embarrassing Stories About The Moments We Never Want To Happen
Embarrassing stories are a given part of existence. They’re going to happen to you and me and everyone else now and again. We live each day knowing that they’re possible. And yet, the inevitability of an embarrassing moment here and there does nothing to offset the icky shameful feelings it can induce. Join me in a collective Ahhhhh!!!!! as you call to mind your most embarrassing moment. Now indulge in a bit of schadenfreude as you read the below embarrassing stories from other people’s lives.
1. Swiping, waiting and having your debit card come up declined is one of the most stomach churning moments you’ll ever experience. When this happens it’s a lose-lose scenario because if you don’t have the money in the bank, you’re now exposed – and even if it’s your account that’s malfunctioning, defending yourself and appearing bamboozled will still be greeted by funny, judgmental looks.
2. Pushing doors that are built to be pulled and vice versa. It enrages me that I have a 50/50 shot, yet I consistently guess wrong.
3. Slipping and falling in rain. I don’t have an official statistic, but this has to occur like, 94% of the time at store entryways. Seriously, next time it rains, kick your feet up and enjoy the show because at least one person will take a tumble. I’ve done it myself, take a step, slip, suddenly you’re staring at the sky for a moment, then splat — you greet the pavement.
4. Being out and unexpectedly having your flip-flop/sandal break. This is probably karma for laughing at the folks who stumbled in the rain, so just deal with it. Besides, it’s nothing a little super glue, or a lot of Elmer’s can’t solve.
5. Making awkward eye contact with someone as they enter a foul-smelling bathroom, because you know they think you’re responsible, whether you really are or not.
6. Silent room stomach growls. You know how your stomach is. It always waits until the quiet part of the movie, the silence at the table or any moment of stillness to let its rumbling roar be heard at an opportune time.
7. When someone else’s actions are beyond ridiculous but they don’t have the social awareness to sense that they should be embarrassed, so you have to feel humiliated for them.
8. Going to the wrong classroom and sitting there for a lengthy period of time before realizing that the topics of discussion don’t fit and now you’ll look like a bad-mannered student, exiting class just as it began.
9. Accidentally mentioning something to someone that was never actually told to you, but was discovered via your lurking social networks.
10. Confusing a person for something they aren’t. E.g. thinking that someone’s wife is their daughter, or mistaking a beer belly for pregnancy.
11. Falling on a treadmill. If this hasn’t happened to you, feel blessed. Not only is this terrifying, but it’s equally painful on your body and ego. One second you’re running, the next you look down and you’re further back then anticipated. The machine’s speed is too fast for your steps and suddenly you’re slammed against a hot, moving conveyor belt that swoops you off of it like a humiliating ride on Aladdin’s magic carpet mixed with a mechanical bull.
12. Locking yourself out of your car because not only is it embarrassing, it’s a ginormous hassle that we’d rather not deal with. And neither would the unlucky holder of your spare key.
13. Playing DJ and having your iPod land on one of many humiliating, guilty pleasure songs that occupy your gigabytes.
14. Talking to yourself on the road and realizing that the people in the car next to you are staring, terrified of and amused by the nutcase next to them. (A good save is to make your phone visible and pretend to be utilizing speakerphone.)
15. Being scared by ninja runners. When you’re on a peaceful jog and the music blaring through your headphones sucks you into your own little world, you completely forget about your surroundings. So when a ninja runner sneaks up on you and you catch a glimpse of them in your peripherals at the very last second, our natural reaction is to jump in fear – maybe even strike a karate-esque pose. We’ll feel humiliated when we discover that we’re not actually being attacked, and the alleged killer continues running past us. However it is a relief to know that our reaction speed isn’t too shabby.
16. Eye boogers, nose boogers, food in the teeth, stains on clothes – any type of visually off-putting monstrosity that you unknowingly wore all day. Especially terrible after a long day of coming face to face with a lot of people who you just know saw it up close and personal.
17. The unique ringtones set for special people in our lives going off in quiet settings never fails to warrant some shame. From the confines of my own home, I love having “Me So Horny” blare when you call. But in the library? Not so much.
18. Doing something odd when you’re all alone, then thinking “what if” you’re currently being recorded? It’s even more embarrassing when you realize that you seriously considered the possibility that a camera was taping your solo shenanigans.
19. Spilling your alcoholic beverage whether in a bar or at a friend’s home. Either way people are going to cry “party foul,” and make a spectacle of your clumsiness.
20. Accidentally “liking” a Facebook status or double tapping an Instagram image. The moment directly after doing so feels capable of inducing a heart attack. I’ve reconsidered mobile social networking because that’s typically when it happens. We just want to undo what we’ve done hastily, without anyone actually noticing.
24 People On Reddit Reveal Their Most Embarrassing Public Moments (But 100% Funny To Us)
It’s one thing to do something embarrassing in private and quite another to do it in public. The embarrassment factor embedded in a public incident automatically triples. Just read these embarrassing stories and live through the cringeworthy pain vicariously. Dare you…
1. “When I was pregnant I went to the mall and got a horrible case of morning sickness. It hit really suddenly so I stopped at one of those kiosks in the walkway and threw up in their trashcan. As I was throwing up, my child decided to kick me in the bladder, making me piss myself.
That was a fun day.”
2. “When I was like 7 I sneezed in church and it made me fart at the same time. It was during a silent prayer part and EVERYONE in the damn church started laughing. At the ripe old age of 18, I am still scarred.”
3. “I had just got my first job, and wanted to eat there with a friend. We walked a mile and a half, and both ate this breaded hot dog covered in melted cheese monstrosity before heading back home. Almost back home and my friend is urging me to walk faster because he’s going to shit himself and out of nowhere I start barfing. It’s a busy intersection, and I’m compelled to keep pace with my friend, who’s moving faster and faster towards my house. I threw up 5 times in under a minute at a mild jog with people gasping in their cars as they watch me. He’s grabbing his ass as he runs, I’m 20 feet behind ralphing everywhere. It would have been weird to see.”
4. “Once my friend tried to do a blue angel, he put the lighter to his ass and farted…. He then violently sharted himself in front of 7 people. We still make fun of him.”
5. “I was 7 months pregnant with my first. And my boyfriend (now husband) and I go to the Olive Garden (nothing like bread sticks) for dinner. So I stuff myself with food and we leave.
We get about 15 minutes from home and I turn to my boyfriend and I am like “I really have to go to the bathroom.” Meanwhile, I have this kid kicking me in every organ inside my body including my bowels and bladder (being pregnant is great). My boyfriend is like, “Okay let’s take the scenic route.” I look at him like I am going to cut him and tell him to get home. This fucker takes the long way home and is laughing like it is funny that I am about to shit myself.
When we get home, I get out of the car into a standing position and it happens. With one swift kick from the inside, I lose my shit. As I waddle up the stairs crying, my boyfriend is asking what is wrong. So I do the only thing that a loving pregnant girlfriend would do. I drop my underwear full of shit on the balcony (I was wearing a dress).
The look of horror on his face was worth it. He learned a lesson that day 🙂 Shit happens.”
6. “I shat myself one cold winter’s evening, on my way to a nightclub. My best mate and I were walking down to the club, which is about a mile-and-a-half away from where we lived. It was a pretty cold and frosty evening, as we got close I figured there’d be a bit of a queue and it’d be worthwhile nipping into a dark corner and having a piss.
I duck into an alleyway and start to piss. Out of nowhere and with no warning I just eject a stream of hot liquid shit all down the back of my legs. I was wearing beige/khaki combats, and I’m fairly sure I was steaming gently.
There’s basically fuck all I can do now. I am as far from my house as I was going to get that evening. I just walk out, tell my mate I’ve got to go home, and proceed to waddle the 1.5 miles home trying to stay far enough away from people that they won’t notice the brown streak/smell/steam.
I actually ended up getting home, cleaning myself up and having a bath, got changed and went back out but I couldn’t really salvage the evening.”
7. “I was about 7 months pregnant, it was December 23 (freezing), and I was waiting for the last inter-city bus of the day from the city to the suburbs so that I could spend Christmas with my family. While waiting, I had a random craving for Cheetos, which I decided to indulge.
And then very suddenly, it hit me. I hadn’t experienced any kind of pregnancy-related nausea for months, but there it was. I had to throw up. I was at a major bus terminal, but there was no bathroom that I’d make it to in time and the garbage cans were all the kind where you put the trash through the little flap on the side.
I spewed fluorescent orange Cheeto-nastiness into a sewer grate (mostly), and got yelled at by a bus driver who accused me of being a drunk teenager (I was 20) and tried to stop me from getting on his bus five minutes later, even though I was fine. He kept telling me, “You’re drunk. I don’t want you on my bus.” F-you, buddy. Even through my winter coat, it should have been obvious that I was pregnant.”
8. “I used to drive a school bus, and more than once I had close calls with #2. You don’t realize how few places allow the public to rush in and take a dump. And how few of those have parking lots big enough to easily accommodate a school bus. Best option: grocery stores.
There was one time I didn’t make it, and knew I wasn’t going to, because I still had a few kids left to drop off. After dropping off the last one, I pulled down a mostly quiet side street, grabbed a ziploc bag, and did the best I could. Squatting in the aisle. Not my proudest moment.”
9. “Well. I’m a 26 year old girl, and I shit in a McDonalds bag in the backseat of a rented Jeep in Maui. It was because my Mom was having a massage at this calm, quiet private retreat and I knew that whatever was coming out of me was not going to smell good so I didn’t want to go inside the main hut and use the bathroom, only to sit there in shame for the next hour.
After I was done, I panicked because I hadn’t had the foresight to decide what I would do with the bag afterwards. I wrapped it in a plastic bag and hid it in the back of the Jeep and threw it out once we got into town again. I had an appointment with a Psychic at the retreat right after that. I was scared the entire time that she knew. …She probably knew.”
10. “I ate something that must have been unholy and evil. I began questioning it’s sanctity as I was walking my dog. About a mile in, I start getting cramps. Uh oh. Heeding the signs of impending doom, I turn around with the quickness.
Get within 100 yards of the house, and I am contemplating running between a couple of houses and just letting go. With the pressure I feel in my lower abdomen that it will be a very quick affair. Sunday morning. 10 am. Nope.
50 yards away, huge cramp and an urgent need to purge. I freeze in fear. I rethink the side yard decision. My cold sweat passes. Barely decide to carry on. Get in my own front yard and my anus gives up. In a last ditch effort, I squeeze my cheeks together in the tightest clench I possibly can. OMG. It works.
I walk to my door. The only way I can describe it is that I look like I have the biggest stick up my butt. My knees are locked as I walk. My back is super straight. My dog is wtfing.
I make it into the house and into the bathroom. Pull down the pants. Sigh in relief that I’ve made it… except that I realize that my cheek squeezing action is literally what is keeping it inside. I start to the squat descent, and feel leakage. I stand up quickly and reclench. Shit.
Due to how I am forced to stand, and the pressure of my stomach cramps, I know that I am going to have a poop eruption. I mentally prepare myself for the quick actions I have to perform to hit my target, how to properly aim, etc. I run through it about 4 times in my head and decide to go for it.
Poop everywhere. I sprayed the seat and the wall and left a rudimentary silhouette of the toilet on the wall.
Thankfully it was in private and I cleaned it up without any of my friends or SO finding out.”
11. “I was about 10 or 11, my friend’s dad had just passed away from a sudden heart attack and I was at his wake in a church with about 300 other people. Respectfully, I had been holding in my gas until I could get outside. Then came the moment of silent remembrance and I could no longer control my anus. My trying to hold back only ended up making it worse, and in that silent church, in front of all those grieving family members and friends, I expelled the loudest fart mankind has ever known. The wooden pew exponentially amplified the ungodly noise, and the worst part is that I could not help but laugh out of sheer terror and embarrassment. I literally ended up laughing and crying and farting more as I ran out of the building. Sorry Trevor’s dad.”
12. “Today, I overslept, waking up in a rush, dressed and ran out to catch the bus. Entering the bus I felt a weird cold feeling in my stomach. When to bus entered the station, I need to take a crap so hard, I am sweating like a pig. I ran into a cafe to ask for a toilet. The owners directed me to a public toilet in the square. When I had 5 meters left to go, the pain was so horrific, my body gave up, and boom…went the dynamite. I half-crapped my pants opening the door to the toilet and guess what…it was a urinal. I leaned against it and let my body breathe. It was the biggest crap I have taken in my life. It looked like a cow had been there when I was finished. Then I went out to find a McDonalds and took my undies off, threw it in the trash, wiped, called in sick at work and took a cab home.
I am 22-years-old and I can’t even remember soiling myself as a kid.”
13. “I had a miscarriage and, usually, a woman should not expect her next period for at least six weeks afterward. So 3.5 weeks after the miscarriage, getting my period was the last thing on my mind.
Anyway, my husband took me to a cycling store to look at some nice bikes since we are planning on getting back into cycling this summer. After talking to the sales rep, he offers to size me on a Madone 3.1. Why the hell not? I haven’t been on a bike in a long time so what’s the harm in getting to ride a beautiful piece of bike engineering?
So we do the sizing, which takes about 30 minutes, and though I agree with him that it feels wonderful, I insist that I cannot afford a $3,000 bike on a PhD student’s salary. So I swing off the bike to go collect my husband.
My blood freezes, I go pale and wobbly. My stomach starts to crawl up my throat. There on the white saddle of a Trek Madone 3.1 is a fresh red-brown smudge. Did he see?? Is he going to make me clean it? Should I offer to clean it? Can we afford to replace the seat?? I looked back at the sales rep – he doesn’t seem to look uncomfortable so perhaps he hasn’t noticed. While pointing over at a beautiful Cervelo, I furiously try to wipe the seat clean with my sleeve. Heh, it’s the least I can do.
As the sales rep goes over to the Cervelo, I grab my husband by the arm, inform him that we are leaving the store immediately and that we can never go back.”
14. “This one time I had to shit so bad that my balls were hurting from having to clench my buttcheeks so hard. I was in the mall and couldn’t remember where the bathrooms were so I went from one end to the other trying to find somewhere to shit. I finally find one right as the turd is poking out and as soon as I pull down my pants, it rockets out (solid turd) and sits on the edge of the seat like a soggy cigar dangling its feet on the beaches of shitville’s coast. I didn’t know what to do so I just wiped, ran out and hoped the janitor wasn’t too angry.”
15. “I gave an impromptu speech to my two best friends at their graduation party in front of about fifty people. I stood up and started speaking but stopped when my cheeks starting SPAZZING out, I mean violently shaking up and down to the point where people who weren’t even that close could see. It made my nerves even worse and I kept saying EMBARRASSING things like, “Oh my god why are my cheeks shaking,” as people laughed around me. I couldn’t even really continue because they were spazzing so hard I couldn’t talk. My friends dad walked up to me and jokingly started massaging my cheeks, took the mic from me, and told me to finish sitting down, which I somehow managed to do.
Pretty much ruined my already very nonexistent self-confidence when it comes to public speaking.”
16. “Christmas Day, two years ago, all dressed up, ready to go out with my family to a nice restaurant for an early dinner. My stomach is upset from overindulging on eggnog the night before, but I’m doing okay. I’m the first one out the door and the step is icy, I slip on the stairs, and onto the snowy lawn, having shat myself. My skirt has offered no protection and there is a shit splatter over the pristine snow. My family is laughing at me. I get up, go back inside, take a shower and get in my pajamas.
I didn’t need Christmas anyway.”
17. “Bluetooth headphones connected to my iphone on. I’m listening to music.
My iPad in my Timbuk2 bag begins blaring hardcore porn starring Sasha grey and 50 guys.
I don’t hear it until I am off the QUIET bus, a 40 minute ride….. and a 55 minute mp3. The mp3 was nearly over playing in its LOUD entirety the whole way.
18. “I think the Waffle House Incident was my most humbling experience of years past.
I had spent a long night drinking more booze than I thought was possible for a single human being to drink. A good, drunken time was had by all, and I happily barfed on the floor before being dragged to my hotel room and tossed in to bed by concerned partygoers at 4 in the morning. My morning wake up call came at about 10am and I was told that we would be heading to Waffle House post haste, and to prepare myself for cheap breakfast food. Yummy.
I showered, dressed and went downstairs and joined my group to go to Waffle House, where I ordered up a big, greasy hangover curing meal when the urge to urinate hit me. No problem! I got up and walked, still half-drunk, to the lockable, single-person-at-a-time bathroom, entered it and began to do my business. I had been saving up what I thought was a fart and let it fly in the comfortable privacy of the Waffle House bathroom.
What I thought was a methane deposit that could power a small city for a week turned out to be pure, vile liquid that rocketed out of my ass like a chunky geyser, which snaked its way down the backs of my legs and eventually reached my socks before I, dumbfounded, could think in any way about what just happened. Fuck. I just shit my pants at Waffle House while taking a leak.
Pants came off in a panic – nothing on them, miraculously, and so I placed them somewhere relatively safe and focused on the matter at hand. Nothing on the shoes, either, thanks to the buffer that the socks had created between them and the source of the brown jelly streaming down my legs. They came off. That left me with soiled boxers and socks. The boxers went right in to the trash can, never to be seen again, having died a heroic death in the process of saving my pants from soiling.
That’s when I noticed that there was no toilet paper in this little hellhole. Plan B: Wipe with paper towels. No paper towels, either? Well, this just got interesting. I looked down and grunted; my socks were still relatively clean where I hadn’t shat upon them, and were the only thing I could resort to without going out of that toilet shirtless. I used them, with great shame, to clean up the mess I had made upon myself and they joined my boxers in the grave.
Pants and shoes back on, no underwear or socks, I thought the battle was over. I didn’t smell bad to the best of my knowledge, but I felt in desperate need of a long shower. The best I could do in the toilet was wash my hands before departing and finish my breakfast. As one last, big “fuck you” to my sense of well-being, it turned out that there was no soap in this bathroom, either, and I briefly wondered how the employees cleaned up after touching their dicks. I used the hottest water I could stand and scrubbed for a few minutes without soap before returning to my seat, my friends none the wiser.
Needless to say, I did not eat any more of my food.”
19. “This is a true story, one my kids love to retell to embarrass me. It is also a multi-bathroom tale of woe.
One afternoon at lunch I went to hang out with my then wife where she worked at a convenience store. Being lunchtime, I decided to grab some nachos. I got the plate of chips and smothered them in cheese and then topped them off with a layer of jalapenos. I started to eat the nachos, one chip at a time, with a gob of cheese and one slice of jalapeno for each chip. For some reason, I couldn’t get enough, they tasted so amazing! I had more chips than jalapenos, and quickly ran out. I went back to the condiment bar and loaded up more jalapenos, so that I could continue my one jalapeno per chip regiment. I finished the nachos and all in all, I would say that I probably consumed six to seven complete jalapenos by the time I was done.
Day goes on, kids get out of school, wife gets off work, and off we go to dinner at the all you can eat Chinese food place that had become our once a month custom. About halfway through dinner, my stomach started making a few little gurgling sounds. I brushed it off and continued my dinner. As we were about to leave, I suddenly felt my stomach knot up and it nearly took me to my knees. I told the wife and kids to give me a minute as I headed to the bathroom. Now the fun begins. I get into the bathroom and BARELY get my pants down in time to EXPLODE into the toilet. It was not for the faint of heart. The red hot liquid fire that was shooting out of me like a flamethrower nearly brought me to tears. I finished up (so I thought), and headed out, grabbed the family, got in the minivan (Ford Windstar) and we headed home. Two blocks away from the Chinese restaurant and I realize that 1) I’m not done, and 2) I’m NEVER going to make it home.
I squeeze my buttcheeks and hold on for dear life as I drive onward. A few blocks up and I see my salvation, a Burger King restaurant. I pull in, slam the brakes, jump out, and buttcheek-clench waddle as fast as humanly possible to the bathroom. I’d like to say at this point that I got my pants all the way down and got all the way seated on the toilet before I started shooting liquid hot magma out of my butt, but alas, I cannot. I essentially sprayed the toilet and the wall behind it with a coating of Satan’s jelly. I nearly ran them out of toilet paper cleaning up after myself and once again into the fray I went.
Back out in the van, the wife and kids are chuckling at my predicament, as they realize that I’m suffering pretty badly. I get back behind the wheel, exhausted, with my butt on absolute fire, and begin the trek home. As you may have guessed, I was still not done expelling whatever demons were in my bowels, and it only took a few more blocks before I was driving with my legs locked tight, working with all my might to clench my buttcheeks. I was locked so tight that the only thing that was touching the seat was the back of my legs on the bottom of the seat and my shoulder blades on the top of the seat. By now, my family is ROARING in laughter, and the louder I screamed “IT’S NOT FUNNY!”, the harder and harder they laughed. I was in excruciating pain, but for some reason, I convinced myself I could make it home. Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men. A few blocks from the house I could hold on no more, and little squirts of molten lava started seeping out of me. I get home, slam the van in park, jump out, shitting a little when I hit the ground, and start running into the house, shitting a little with each step. I get into the house, get to the bathroom, put my back to the toilet, rip my pants down and proceed to give the toilet and the wall behind it a nice new coating of what can only be described in the physical realm as “pure evil.” As I sat there trembling and crying in pain, my kids were outside the bathroom yelling “Are you all right dad?”…”Need us to come in and help you dad?”…yes, they are spawns of Satan himself.
At the time, I did not see ANY humor in it, but now, reflecting back, I suppose I would be laughing as well, it must have been hilarious to see the look of pure terror on my face, see the sweat running down my forehead, and most of all, the buttclench run/walk from the van to the Burger King and the van to the house. Anyway, I destroyed three bathrooms and any respect my kids may have ever had for me in one evening.”
20. “I asked a girl from school out once. We had taken the train into the city and were hanging out with friends in a park. Felt a huge fart brewing, so, being on my best behaviour, I unobtrusively moved away from the group to let it rip. Did that bit where you clench your teeth and screw your eyes up as you get ready to let loose something major, and away I went. Except I was horrified to hear no sound at all, and instead just felt buckets of wet warmth inside my jeans.
After a few panic-stricken seconds frozen to the spot, during which I had time to stress to myself very forcefully that this was an extremely bad situation, I snuck off to the toilets. Used rolls and rolls of toilet paper trying to clean up but there was absolutely no salvaging the situation.
Went back to the group in a somewhat chastened mood, and announced, while keeping my distance, that I wasn’t feeling good and would get the train home. Now, just at the point where I thought it would be impossible for the day to get any worse, the girl I had asked out got up and said she was tired too, and that she would be coming back on the train with me. It was 50 minute trip in a crowded carriage.”
21. “I went to Catholic mass with my grandma and mom the morning after a night of heavy drinking. I was feeling nauseated during the service, but it wasn’t until the last few minutes I knew I was going to vomit. There were no bathrooms in the building so I had to go outside and vomit right outside the church. People were arriving for the next mass, watching me throw up in the grass. Made my grandma and mom really proud that day.”
22. “I once took a class trip to Germany in the summer after freshman year. We shared hote rooms four or five to a room, and I was never able to shit without other people being able to hear it. So I decided to just not shit.
For two weeks. Finally one day, I knew I was going to burst. I decided to go to dinner with two people I hated so I wouldn’t feel bad, then ate my food as fast as possible, tossed some money on the table, and walked out. It was still about half a mile to the hotel, and by the time I was about half way there I knew I couldn’t hold it. I tried the best I could, and actually held out most of the way. Finally, when I could actually see the hotel, i gave out. I stopped, and tried to collect myself, but it was too late. I Couldn’t walk any more. I waited until I was alone, then gave a massive shart.
It lasted at least five seconds and was very wet. To my horror, when I turned around, there was a single, ridiculously hot German girl looking at me. She just stood there with a look of disgust and contempt on her face like I’ve never seen. Needless to say I ran back to the hotel.”
23. “In grade school I really needed to go pee. I waited too long and pissed myself right before I got to the stall. But I was clever. And my fellow students were dumb. It was a rainy day. I decided to play it off as me having fallen into a puddle of water. I spent the rest of the day in piss soaked pants and nobody knew because we were all smelly kids anyways.”
24. “I had just started a new job and was sent to NYC to meet with some of our important clients. We took them out to a certain michelin 3 star for dinner. Everything was going well, we ate well, we drank well and when we wrapped up, we all piled into a cab to head back to our hotel.
As we snaked our way through NYC traffic in a cab, I could feel a rumble in the jungle, a hot pain in my gut, I started to sweat. I clenched, oh god did I clench. The worst part- I was in the middle seat. We were only about 4 blocks from our hotel and I just let out a yell. “STOP!” The cab driver slams on the brakes and I jump over my female coworker – how I avoided shitting my pants by doing this, I have no idea. I then ran down the street to the first open door I could find. Inside there were a bunch of dudes renovating a restaurant.
I asked if I could use the men’s room, this one guy started to say “no” but then his face kinda just went neutral as he saw the desperation in my eyes. He said GO! and I ran into the men’s room and released the most VIOLENT shit of my life.
That was not a banner day for me and ever since then I have been horrifically afraid of shitting my pants.”
25 People On Reddit Talk About An Inappropriate Moment They’re Too Embarrassed To Tell Even To Their Friends
We all have plenty of embarrassing stories. Some you probably haven’t even told anyone because you just can’t relive the whole thing again (although you do in your head anyway). It’s easy to empathize with the people below for what they’ve gone through (perhaps especially the menstruation-related events).
1. “So there I am. Sitting at my computer, sipping some red wine and browsing the internets. What time is it? Oh, time for porn. That’s right.
Well, I get going and, as is typical, only realize at the last moment that I have no vessel to capture my seed. Glancing around, I see my wine glass sitting there with just a little sip of wine left in it. Perfect! Ready, aim… He shoots, he scores! One in a million shot, kid. One in a million.
OK. Back to the internet. Hum de dum…. HOLY MOTHER OF ZEUS. The jizz has mixed with the wine and turned straight up green. Like, we’re not talking a purple color with a tint of green. GREEN. That was weird. Try it sometime.”
2. “One time when I lived alone, I was sitting on the couch naked watching TV. I was on my period at the time, so I had a tampon in. I farted and the string jumped. I laughed so hard, then I was sad because I couldn’t tell anyone ever.”
3. “I don’t wear tampons — I had fallen asleep with my pad on and when I woke up, I could feel all that blood pooled up, so I tried to make it to the bathroom, waddling to try and keep everything from releasing at once. One foot from the door, I sneezed.
All that blood came out full-force, my pad couldn’t catch it. My pajama pants were coated in blood, the floor was splattered, and some bounced off the floor onto the wall. It was like a grenade had gone off in my vagina.
It was five AM, so I managed to clean everything up before anyone in my house woke up, but it was one of the worst feelings.”
4. “I watched porn like most kids and I would see the men ejaculating, so I was like “I bet if I jerk for long enough and hard enough I’ll also produce milk!” Yes, I thought I could make milk, so I jerked as hard and as fast and I could with a glass in my hand and came into the glass. Being proud of myself I mixed it with regular milk and drank it. I did this a few times before I had sex ed, where I realized I was drinking my own sperm.”
5. “When I was a college student commuting from home, I was on our computer and looking at… shall we say not-typical-vanilla porn and masturbating furiously, my little brother walked in on me. He looked at the computer, looked at me, just shook his head and said: “It’s always the quiet ones,” and then walked away. Broke me up laughing.”
6. “A few days ago I tried the Instead Softcup for giggles (you insert it and it catches your menstrual blood). It was going just fine… until I tried to take it out. There’s no string, you just push like you’re trying to poop and reach up inside (your vagina) and slide it forward with your finger. Simple enough, right?
My cervix had the death grip on that tiny cup of blood. I tried so hard to pull it out but it simply wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t get a grip. My wrist ached, my lady flower felt bruised after AN HOUR of trying to dislodge that sucker.
–Suddenly– I spotted a plastic coat hanger on the bathroom floor. I washed it with soap and water in the sink to prepare it for a clean extraction. I climbed into the bath tub with the clean hanger and sobbed uncontrollably (hormones and general panic) clutching the hanger against my chest. Thankfully, I didn’t have to use the hanger, I was able to pull the little chalice of utero givings out by the grace of the lady muscles contracted by heaving sobs. I sloshed the contents of the cup everywhere and then laughed until I couldn’t breathe.”
7. “I currently have poison oak all over my genitals ( had too pee on a hike, must have transferred the oil during aiming). I became aroused when applying my ointment, and popped all of my blisters with the erection”
8. “When I was 18 (1999), the FBI’s child exploitation unit pulled me out of classes and interrogated my entire family on the charges of my illegal/black-market selling of twenty four Japanese children for slave labor on eBay. At the time, my friends all knew, but today I try to keep that one hidden at all times.”
9. “I dildo-fucked a hooker on stage in Amsterdam in 2000 using a forehead strap-on, in front of about 95% of the people from my tour bus. High as balls.”
10. “I one time sang every part of the entire Les Miserables original broadway cast. It was this one time in my car every day. Please don’t tell my friends. I’m a fairly cool 31 year old man.”
11. “My mom got home as I was in the middle of a furious fap session. I heard the garage door, went to quit internet explorer (this was a while ago) and the little shit just froze with boobs all over the place. I quickly tried to restart the computer, but that didn’t work (WTF?). I finally unplugged the power strip as my mom opened the door.
There I am, in boxers, with the power strip in my hand and the computer is off. The first words out of my mouth were, “I don’t know, weird huh?”
12. “Well, I’m a 17-year-old. Last week, my friend and I wanted some booze. One of our Spanish teachers was at the bar and we asked her if she would buy some for us. She was super drunk and told my friend that she wanted to fuck him, but he pushed her away and said no. Now, there’s a slow rumor going around that my friend and I double-teamed the Spanish teacher.”
13. “I once woke up in the middle of the night masturbating. Apparently, this is common for some guys to get so aroused they just start while they’re asleep (whether it’s sex or masturbation). Long-story-short, I fucked a container of chocolate pudding.”
14. “Not too long ago actually I had to collect a stool sample for a medical appointment. The doctor gave me really little bottles to collect the samples in. The problems was that I REALLY had to shit, so what was I to do? I then noticed that the sample bottles came with a medical paper towel.
…..I did the only thing I could think of. I laid the sheet of paper in front of the toilet, gripped the lid for dear life, squatted down, and did my business. That’s right, I shat on the floor. It felt so weird and terrible. It went against everything I’ve ever known to be civilized and true. I felt like an animal. I then had to stand up, turn around, and then push the limits of my sanity further. I had to get on all fours, like a dog, and use a plastic spoon to dissect my own shit and then store it in the little cups. I opened the door and left the bathroom with a feeling of total disgust. I feel like I lost a part of myself that night.
But now I think the whole situation is hilarious.”
15. “When I was younger I found a Hustler magazine laying on top of a trash can at a car wash while my mom was washing her car. The next day me and my brother ride our bikes to get it and find it where it is. We take it back and hide it in the woods and would show it to our friends (this is young enough that there was no fapping.) We had been leaving it in the elements so it was getting kind of gross, but one day I went to grab it. To get it into the house I put it in the front of my pants and tightened my belt. I felt this horrible burning while running home on my crotch area but the urge to see naked ladies and my fear of getting caught kept me from showing the insane pain I was starting to feel as I ran in and saw my mom. I ran into the bathroom and pulled the magazine out and realized what was going on. Fire Ants had built a nest and now a whole colony was attacking my dick, balls and whole general area. I jumped in the bath ( we didn’t even have a shower) and started washing them off, though they wouldn’t budge and the water seemed to make them bite harder. It was miserable. Still to this day have no clue how I kept my cool in front of my family. It was then I realized what I would go through to see a naked lady.”
16. “I keep having this weird recurring dream.
Now these dreams differ on time and place but one thing always happens; I pull batteries out of my vagina. And I mean like normal AA batteries. I’ll just be like, Oh! That needs batteries, hold on I have some with me and I squat and reach my hand right up there. The first dream it happened I woke up laughing. The second I was like ….ummm well this is weird. And now I’m just ಠ_ಠ.
I want to tell someone about it but I don’t want them to see me as the girl version of the fetish version Duracell Bunny. I tried looking it up online to see the symbolism but I’m (not surprisingly) finding zip. I have no desire to stick batteries up there so I don’t know why I keep dreaming about it.
Well now that I’ve talked about it I won’t ever dream about it.”
17. “So I was hunting when I was younger… I’m not a huge hunter and would get extremely bored sitting in a tree for hours on end by myself. This year though, I had my brand new iPod video.. which I had loaded with porn videos. So I’m in the tree stand and I decide to start watching some porn. JUST WATCH though… I’m NOT going to jerk off. ….so I start jerkin off after a few minutes but I’m totally gonna just jerk off for a little bit… I’m not gonna splooge the sticky. Well, one thing led to another and I… well I guess you could say it wasn’t gun that was shooting… I was then sitting there in a tree, freezing, iPod in lap with dick in one had while my other hand caressed a puddle of my jizz. I panicked. I didn’t want to jizz because my dad and others have always told me that deer can smell fucking EVERYTHING and that they could smell it from miles away… I was about to ruin hunting for everyone… no deer would come near us if my dick sauce was smeared all over a tree. So I did whatever I needed to ensure a good weekend of hunting for my fellow hunters… I ate my jizz. Every last drop. Because I was a hero. Even if nobody knew.”
18. “I decided to stop by Taco Bell on my way home from picking up the Burning Crusade expansion the night it came out. Hours after finishing my Baja Blast I had to take a leak. Being the lazy fuck that I am, I figured the empty cup would be perfect. Of course, this backfired about an hour later when I, out of habit, reached for my cup and took a big swig of piss. I don’t know how Bear Grylls does it.”
19. “When I was a kid I had this old Sears catalog under my train set in the basement and I used to take it out after school and kiss all the girls in the women’s intimates section.
My favorite with Carla. She liked me back I could totally tell. But then the fall catalog came out and I saw she cut her hair, it did nothing for her so I had to change my favorite to Rita, at least she knew how to work it.”
20. “Fell asleep playing minecraft on a laptop in bed, got a 2nd Degree burn on both my arms from the air vent…”
21. “Mine needs some slight back story to understand. I grew up after the age of 11 with my aunt, uncle and their children. For some reason, my cousins alllllways wanted to blame me for the slightest fart smell ever even though I never did it in front of people. Seriously, I never ever fart in front of people and haven’t since I was a kid. And I told them this.
Fast forward to when I was 20. I was visiting home and my boyfriend had just showed up. We hadn’t seen each other in a couple of weeks so, even though we couldn’t have sex because it was the middle of the day and everybody was up, we got…handsy…with each other.
When we were done, I needed to go ask my aunt something so I went to her room and sat down on her bed. Her daughter came in and we all talked for a second. Then I had to go so I stood up…and let out the loudest queef I’ve ever given. The room gets silent for a moment.
My cousin says, “OMGOMG Did you just fart?!?!”
Then my cousin proceeded to tell the whole family that she finally heard me fart for the first time ever.”
22. “When I was a kid I was visiting my male cousins (I am a girl). Everyone was outside playing but I went inside to pee and I saw what I thought was a mask sitting on the bathroom floor. I went outside with the “mask” on my face being silly and dancing around saying something about Star Wars and I noticed the parents had a horrified look on their faces and the boys were just laughing their asses off but wouldn’t tell me why. My aunt came over and took the “mask” off my face and told me it wasn’t a toy. I just realized the other day it was a cup. For a penis. That kind of cup. Why, why me? And now I am too embarassed that I didn’t realize it until I was 24 so I can’t tell anyone.”
23. “I don’t need a throw away for this. This is a story that ACTUALLY happened to me.
I had these friends who were somewhat destructive. Imagine living with the cast of Jackass, that’s essentially what you’re looking at. Anyways, so apparently one of them thought it would be funny to shit in my peanut butter, seal it, and just leave it to be found another day. I stumbled upon said shit in the peanut butter while trying to make a sandwich, probably DAYS after the initial dump took place. Before I busted the lid there was no hint of bad smell, but after a small twist it was as if I’d unleashed the Pandora’s box of shitty smell. An old curled up turd isn’t exactly something I was looking for in my peanut butter.
To THIS DAY, 3 years later, none of them will admit to it. Even away from me, none of them fess up. It’s a mystery to everyone to this very day. Still can’t tell the story without cringing.”
24. “One time I was sick in college so I decided the best thing to do was drink tons of echinacea tea. i must have head 8 or 9 cups of it. i was sitting on the couch watching TV waiting to head to class when i farted and liquid shot out of my ass into my shorts.
i freaked out and cleaned it up, changed shorts and underwear, then realized i should read the tea packaging. it warned not to drink any more than 3 cups a day. i started laughing hysterically and wanted to tell my friends but realized pooping on the couch wasn’t a good discussion topic.”
25. “I like Maroon 5.”